he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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