Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
