i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
