I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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