yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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