Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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