Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
