I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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