Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
