Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
either way he was missing a nipple.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
