does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
