you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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