I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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