Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
