he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
