Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
