True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
