Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
