Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize