it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
