I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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