you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
