weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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