1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
