i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
