Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
