I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
