Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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