Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
