Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
