I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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