wanna go halves on a baby?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize