The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
