I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I am naked and annoyed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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