My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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