Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
