Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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