I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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