It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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