I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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