party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
