When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
