if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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