tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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