she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
