She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
