whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
