Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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