I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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