I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
