Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
