i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
