Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize