How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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