Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
