her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
