My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
