I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
