My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
