with your own penis?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You ate ashes out of my bong
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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