I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
