My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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