Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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